i have decided to put my testimony on this blog which both excites me and scares me because some things are hard to say. my thoughts are never in one place, and therefore my writing is also all over the place. i will write it in parts as i get the time and figure out what to say. i will probably leave things out and add them later. and i will probably edit this twelve hundred times a day. i hope and pray that the people who read were brought to this page because God wants them here. i've never really viewed myself as being a person who had an interesting testimony, being brought up in a christian home and such, but then this year happened. here we go. please be patient with me.
last semester towards the end of october, i hit the lowest of lows. i didn't really have many true friends, and i had no christian friends so that was really hard. this left me with way too much time on my hands, and i became very depressed and anxious. at the time i was apart of a church, a church with truly lovely people in it. but going to that church, i believe, kind of triggered my anxiety. i felt like i had to constantly be good and make the right decisions, and i'm not good at making decisions so that freaked me out a lot. and i needed to stop listening to all secular music and stop going trick or treating and stop getting piercings and stop watching harry potter. i love harry potter. i was confused about everything. every little thing they said stuck with me. they told me what i could not do. i disagreed because they couldn't tell me what my convictions were. but i constantly wondered "what if i am wrong?" i would constantly obsess over every little stinking thing. i did not want to be wrong. i wanted all the answers. i felt like i had absolutely no answers. it may seem to be such a stupid problem, but when you have anxiety its not so easy to let things go. i remember starting to feel this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach one night. a dirty addiction from my past had come back to haunt me. i all of a sudden felt guilty for the things i had done in my past. so shameful. i had asked for forgiveness. i was free. so why was it that i felt so grimy. i felt that my parents needed to know because i couldn't be myself around them when they didn't know my deepest darkest secrets. i was terrified about how to tell them. i shook it off. the pit got bigger as i tried to distract myself by watching Lost. Lost wasn't making it any better and i actually felt guilty for watching Lost when i felt that i should be praying or something. i don't remember what else happened that night but i remember being really confused. i had never before felt this way so i really did not know how to deal with it.
